Kris Jenner Receives Lovely Bouquet from Satan to Celebrate Birth of Another Cash Machine

By Lucy Tassell


Content Warning: Blood/Gore, Satanism

As the video announcing the birth of Kylie Jenner’s baby daughter hit the internet, a burst of flame and the scent of sulphur and lilies entered Kris Jenner’s office.

Jenner, 62 in human years, stood up from her suspiciously bone-white desk and inspected the gorgeous bouquet that had materialised in a pool of pig’s blood on the carpet.

A source close to the star revealed what was in the card attached: “It said ‘To my most loyal servant, Congratulations on the new source of income, together you and I will rule the ruins of this earth very soon, Love B. Eelzebub.’ So sweet!”

Jenner was reportedly delighted at the arrangement of pink and white lilies, goat horns, and the sounds of the future hellish screams of everyone who’s ever wronged her. Cute!

Our source says the Lord of the Flies has also sent the prominent momager similar gifts for the birth of her other grandchildren.

“For North’s birth, Satan sent her a beautiful mug made from a skull that had ‘World’s Best Grandma’ on one side and ‘Underworld’s Best Grandmaster of Contourture’ on the other. Contourture is when they use a blending brush to physically carve out your cheekbones. Like out of your face.” Wow! Sounds like another Kardashian trend we’re keen to try this year!

Jenner didn’t respond to requests for comment for this story, but Lucifer’s office sent us a piece of skin branded with this message: “Kris and I go way back, so of course I always try to send her a congratulatory bouquet whenever she brings a new money maker into the world to increase her enormous fortune and social influence. We’re both looking forward to collapsing on something in 2018. I’m not saying we’re gonna re-do Sodom and Gomorrah, but it’s not, not that. Everyone loves a reboot!”