Alex Johnson takes aim at the queen of reality television.

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In the wake of the impending Kimye baby, I have been confronted by Kim Kardashian’s face on the cover of every trashy magazine I pick up. Having a Kardashian on the cover of your glossy is not an unusual state of affairs, but the recent saturation has really highlighted the inner conflict I feel whenever I look at Kim K’s pouty little mug.

By now we’re all familiar with Kimmy’s rise to fame. She made a really awkward sex tape with Ray J. Like even more awkward and boring than Paris Hilton’s sex tape. That tape was then leaked and bought by Vivid Entertainment who marketed it as Kim Kardashian: Superstar. Kim sued and eventually settled for $5 million. In the publicity storm that followed, the entire Kardashian family was signed on for their ridiculous reality TV show Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The rest, as they say, is history. As a family, the Kardashians now rake in basquillions of dollars (that’s the official amount).

On the one hand, I am all for the existence of Kim Kardashian. She suffered a massive betrayal that resulted in her being publicly humiliated, because unfortunately we still live in a world where the idea that a female public figure has a sex life is enough to stop everyone in their tracks. In spite of being totally vilified by the media, Kimmy managed to come out on top, make her millions and have a ‘kareer’. Which is awesome.

I want to love her for it. But I don’t. I just don’t. Every time she opens her mouth it’s like a vacuum. Here are some prime examples of the various stupid things she’s said to the media:

“We never say the word ‘famous’ or ‘celebrity’. It makes all of us feel uncomfortable.” – who is ‘us’, Kim? You famous celebrities?

“I hate when women wear the wrong foundation colour. It might be the worst thing on the planet when women wear their foundation too light.” – The worst thing on the planet, Kim? Really?  Sorry Syria.

“I swear, I would say my prayers at night hoping I would stop developing.” – Are you there, God? It’s me, Kim…

“We decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.” – In my head Kardashian says “Oh em gee! Same!”

With sound bites like that I just cannot, CANNOT like her, no matter how hard I try. Furthermore, the idea of her having a child with the world’s biggest ego, AKA Kanye West, is nothing short of terrifying. IMAGINE THE CHILD’S OPINION OF ITSELF! IMAGINE! If we don’t all collapse into a black hole of  their collective narcissism then I will be thoroughly surprised.

So, how to resolve my inner conflict re: Kim Kardashian’s existence? If she could shut the fuck up and just be some sassy millionaire lady who had the balls to overcome unnecessary media vilification, that’d be great.