By Jessica Smalley

Unless you’ve strategically remained indoors, disconnected every electronical device and lived off m&m rations, you’re probably experiencing a bit of a budget hangover. But making sense of how you ended up in Treasurer Scott Morrison’s bed hungover is proving to be a bit hazy. As your budget confidant I’ll run over the night and help you make sense of things.

The party actually started pretty early, things kicked off yesterday at around 2.30pm. A tonne of very important and serious journalists willfully walked into the budget room, where they gave up all rights to tweet, Facebook and publish whatever saucy info they found in the thick 2016 Budget papers. What was the saucy info again, you may ask? Whilst there are plenty more winners and losers found in the pages of the budget but those are the key points that stuck out during the night.

Here’s a rundown:

WINNERS

  1. Small businesses

Hoorah! The little guy is finally catching a break…or not? George’s fruit market is receiving a tax cut, 27.5 per cent in fact (you’ll realise how the treasurer is redeeming all this money in a second) from July 1 this year. BUT this won’t really come into effect until 2025…that’s if the Turnbull government goes swimmingly for four terms.

  1. High Rollers

The upper limit for the middle income tax bracket increased from $80,000 to $87,000 meaning that if you’re a lucky duck who earns above $87,000, you’ll pay less tax. Collect $200 for passing go.

  1. Transport i.e Roads

$3 billion will be spent on new infrastructure projects.

LOSERS

  1. Uni students

Low socio-economic students (SES) will find it more difficult to attend uni. The government has slashed $152m from The Higher Education Participation and Partnerships Program university scheme which helps low SES to study at uni.

  1. Smokers

So if you’re a smoker now’s a good time to quit. The tobacco excise will be raised by 12.5% each year from 2017-20. So the sweet cash spent on smoking will eventually turn into $4.7bn.

  1. Public broadcasters

Turnbull gov. will continue to fund the ABC and SBS, however because of the 2014 budget, public broadcast will actually receive a cut of 6.5%. The government has apparently also heard my prayers about wanting to become a legit paid journalist with their new PaTH scheme. $4 dollaroos an hour really seems like with this PaTH (Prepare, Trial and Hire) internship scheme.

  1. Future Welfare

You’ll receive $14.10 less a fortnight than your mates who are already on welfare.

Anyway, Treasurer Scott Morrison made an appearance at some point and thought it was important to mention “It’s not a great big tax cut.” Ok Mr Morrison, whatever you say Mr Morrison. The clock ticked closer to 7.30pm, journalists were mumbling possible budget headlines, “‘Winners vs. Losers’…No, no it’s too original,” said a pained Fairfax journalist. Then 7.30pm hit. Amidst the panicking journalists sprinting to be the first ones to publish something on the 2016 budget, I can’t say I remembered too much after that either.