Fucking ASMR

Elizabeth Green

Cover image: Isabelle Coury | @issayyay

 

Ah, ASMR. You probably know it as the YouTube videos that your cousin showed you one time at a family barbecue, of people making fucked noises too close to a microphone. Or perhaps you are one of the few who like the spine-tingling sensation that Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response brings you (which I, personally, believe is YUCK).

 

Either way, I have subjected my ears to the torture that is ASMR in order to rate them all for you. You are welcome.

 

 

Soap ASMR

10/10

This is it. The pinnacle of ASMR. I’m so obsessed that my entire Instagram discover page has become videos people cutting up bars of soap for the enjoyment of my ears. The sound of each cube of soap cut from its bar is the same sound that an angel’s tear makes when it hits the ground. I didn’t understand ASMR until I heard someone cutting up little bars of soap. It’s life-changing. FACTS.

 

 

Slime ASMR

6/10

Slime ASMR was a big thing on Instagram in 2018, but I never understood the hype. There’s something about people sticking their hands in a semi-solid mass that doesn’t do it for me. It only makes me need to pee. The only thing saving this genre of ASMR from a lower score is when the slime has a foam layer on top, that shit is GOOD.

 

 

Tapping ASMR

4/10

This is almost satisfying. Almost. But – like the sound of a girl with acrylic nails sitting next to you in a lecture – it gets old fast. Really, tapping ASMR is like Jorah Mormont from Game of Thrones, you can’t deny that he’s there, and you don’t hate him, but he falls flat.

 

 

Scratching ASMR

3/10

I turned on this ASMR as background noise, and it made me want to throw my laptop into the sun, promptly followed by my own body. Scratching ASMR is like that kid who incessantly yells at the teacher as soon as they turn towards the board. Making noise loud and often enough for my brain to register that it would like to leave the building.  

 

 

Any eating ASMR

0/10

If you ever meet a person who listens to eating ASMR of their own accord, you need to run. Eating ASMR is fascinating in the way that dead bodies are fascinating, and I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near anyone who spends their free time looking at dead bodies. I’ve listened to so many different foods being eaten, right in my ears, and have discovered sounds that should be illegal. Don’t do it to yourself (but also, here’s a link to some messed up sounds).

 

 

Pickle eating ASMR

-10/10

This is the worst thing that I have ever subjected myself to. It’s so bad that it deserves its own category. No one should ever have the crunch and slurp from the hell that is a pickle thrust upon them, let alone the sound of someone chewing one in your ear. Despite this, ‘Pickle ASRM Eating Sounds/BIG Crunch/Intense | Spirit Payton’ has 26 MILLION views. My hope for humanity has never faded faster.

 

Whispering ASMR

-10,000,000/10

I couldn’t even make it through 10 seconds of one of these videos without feeling like the Swedish woman in my laptop was going to kidnap me and make me her adult baby. I only needed 10 seconds to know that I never wanted another person to whisper to me again. So thanks ASMR, you ruined whispering for me.