Ancient Skeleton in Science Lab Reportedly Waiting for a Lift at UTS

Tristan White

A PhD biology student at the University of Technology, Sydney was shocked to discover that a skeleton she was studying was, in fact, the remains of a student. The PhD student identified the cause of death as exhaustion — determining that the student died waiting to get on a university lift, a lift that is yet to arrive to this day.

The student, whose PhD topic was on the ways humans and their physiques are impacted by new technology, had always assumed that the 3,000-year-old bones had been located underground before being brought to the lab. She made the startling revelation to the contrary after observing the positioning of the corpse.

“I could see how he was bent over, and the bones in his palms were somewhat deformed. Now I realize he had it continually pressed against the down button before he breathed his last. That was the only way to logically explain his posture. After thinking through it a bit, it sort of makes sense, seeing as he was on display right in front of the lift entrances rather than in the labs themselves,” she explained.

A spokesperson from the UTS Students’ Association immediately entered the fray and told Vertigo this was proof of UTSs’ out-dated facilities. “UTS students have raised concerns for years about the speed of the lifts. How many more rotting corpses is it going to take for them to actually do something about it?!”

A UTS Board representative acknowledged the university was “disappointed” that there were some “minor issues” with the lifts, but reminded students that they were “currently in the middle of a significant transformation to its teaching and learning approach, with a focus on a new model of student learning and outcomes.”

“The university has invested significantly in facilities and learning and teaching support, and with the ongoing commitment of our staff we are confident future student satisfaction will reflect the positive outcomes we are aiming to achieve.”

“We’ve listened to students in regular forums and feedback surveys, and have responded by adding world class wireless in every building, a reliable printing service, and now we are even considering uploading video lectures for some subjects that still actually have face-to-face lectures. We will lodge an application to review the elevator system to ensure it continues to safely and efficiently serve UTS students and staff.”

However, the representative noted that it may take “a little while” for the review to occur because they were presently renovating their office to dedicate a full store room to other incoming “service requests” for UTS facilities.

The PhD student told Vertigo she had intended to report the matter to UTS Security, but then remembered that her thesis was likely to be due in before she could get down to the ground floor and back.