WHOSE PUSSY IS ON YOUR INSTAGRAM?

Mairead Armstrong learns how not to Face-stalk the person you’re bangin’.
So you’ve just started sleeping with someone? We’ve all been there. That delightful, undefined stage early in the relationship that probably (but unadmittedly) isn’t going anywhere. You’re not dating. You’re certainly not Facebook official.

But he’s totally great and you’ve told all your friends about him and you like him so much it’s not even a turn off to you
that he makes his own candles and sometimes dresses like a lad.But what are we then? And how can I coolly and calmly steer the casual encounter into something more like, I don’t know… true love?
It’s a legitimate question. But one you should never try to answer within the realms of Facebook/Instagram/Twitter/whatever-your-social-media-preference.Face-stalking your fuck buddy will never end well. In fact, all it does is raise more borderline-crazy-town, clingy questions then you had before.Like why haven’t I heard from you since Thursday? And why is it now 9:57am on a Sunday and you’ve uploaded a picture of a cat to your Instagram? You don’t have a cat. You have a dog. I know that because despite the fact that I’ve hated dogs all my life I suddenly have a keen interest in canines. It’s far too early for you to be hanging at a mate’s place… I mean I know you like to make the most of the day but who hangs before 10am on a Sunday? Nobody. And that definitely isn’t your house; that’s not your coffee table in the picture. But it is your hand, with a cat, on a Sunday, before 10am and I haven’t heard from you since Thursday so I can only deduct that this is your way of communicating to me that I might not be the only person you’re lighting those home-made candles for because WHAT ELSE COULD POSSIBLY EXPLAIN THIS EARLY MORNING PUSSY CONTAMINATING MY NEWS FEED?

 

Then there’s the guy you hook up with once. Yep, once. It doesn’t go any further but he’s said he is definitely going to call and you’re going to get a drink and he happens to be the brother of that rapper you’re in love with and this is probably as close as you’re going to get, right? That special moment shared together on the dancefloor of Oxford Art Factory is going to be something we all look back and laugh at in twenty years time when you and I are blissfully happy but I also sorta still want your brother to write a song about me? Okay not quite. But hey, at least now we follow each other on Instagram: the perfect opportunity for you to see how cool and interesting my life is, even though that drink is looking less and less likely to happen, yet you are quite clearly still alive because you keep uploading pictures of sunsets while failing to acknowledge all the really cute photos I happen to upload anytime I see that you are online liking things. Then suddenly we’ve been through an entire relationship and break-up without you knowing and – in a flurry of fury and rejection – I unfollow you.

Now I know what you’re thinking… This’ll really get him. And perhaps it would, if it wasn’t for that Saturday night a few weeks later when – in a flurry of rejection and (mainly) intoxication, while simultaneously inhaling a pide, feeling like I’ve got the world at my fingertips like GOD I LOVE THAT YOUR PROFILE ISN’T ON PRIVATE – my fat, drunk fingers accidently re-follow.They say stalking’s all fun and games until you accidently press the like button, but I can safely say it’s a million times more embarrassing chucking the old unfollow/follow to the guy you made out with once.

Truth is, being single is sometimes tough. But holy shit, finding someone you like is
tougher. My advice if you’re digging somebody you just met? Get to know them, and only them,
for as long as possible – and stay well away from social media.