For over a hundred years now, Australian democracy has relied upon the will of its people to make rational decisions about the future of our country. Choices based upon reason, logic, and what is best for future generations. But times have changed, and with a booming economy and a growing, better-educated population, it is time to give in to the voices in your head that advocate wild, indiscriminate self-destruction.

            It is time to vote not with our better judgement, but with the sick curiosity that drives people to try DIY tattoos, compulsive lying and heroin. Vote not with hope for a brighter future, but instead with a staggering indifference to the legacy that we leave to future generations. Vote in line with the psychological forces that say “Make a video of yourself eating a tablespoon of cinnamon” and “I bet that’s not really an electric fence.”

It is with this desire for wanton self-destruction that Defamer implores you to elect Clive Palmer as Prime Minister of Australia.

Our country faces many challenges in the near future. The mining boom, which has driven our country for decades, is coming to a close and subsequently, a careful diversification of our economy has become necessary. Who better to lead this transition than an eccentric mining billionaire who is renowned for his ability to waste spectacular amounts of money on frivolous vanity projects? As a grotesque symbol of our poorly spent mining revenue, Clive Palmer is precisely the face that Australia needs to look towards when painfully trying to revitalise its manufacturing industry, while watching the profits of its mineral wealth fund Gina Rinehart’s attempts at poetry.

We need to live in a country that builds things – but not just things, ridiculous things. Things like a life-size replica of the Titanic and an animatronic dinosaur park. To succeed in the decades ahead we do not simply need innovation and out-of-the-box thinking, we need to abandon the entire notion of a box and instead be governed by the capricious whims of our richest citizens.

As climate change threatens the continued existence of life on this continent and as an increasing number of natural disasters take their toll on the environment, we need to be led by a man who thinks that Greenpeace is a CIA plot to undermine the Australian coal industry. As our relationship with Asia becomes a defining factor of our growth as a nation, we need a man who once bought a football team in order to make more friends in China.

We need leaders who do not confront reality, but rather disregard it entirely. The future is abundantly clear: it is not the Labor party’s outdated socialism, nor the Liberal party’s stuffy conservatism that will define Australia’s future. Our destiny lies with Clive Palmer’s unique brand of white-shoe populism and the broad assumption that there is no problem, great or small, that cannot be solved with sheer dumb luck. Thus, we strongly endorse voting for the Palmer United Party, for not only the reasons passionately outlined above, but also because our media baron boss has asked us to.

In Clive we trust.