Hannah Story guides you through the ins and outs of fornicating at university.

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Think of me as your spiritual sex guide. I’m here to hold your hand while you try and navigate love and lust at university. Except not literally. I don’t want to be there at the time because voyeurism isn’t my thing. And if it’s your thing, you should probably go see someone about that. It’s creepy. My protégés, my friends, you’re about to get started on the long road to getting some clunge or cock or whatever takes your fancy. These are the things that you really need to know, things that are more important than anything you’ll ever learn in a lecture.

So, let’s dive right in, shall we?

Be choosy.

Dear god, be choosy. Don’t just fuck anyone that walks into your tute because it can get really awkward, really fast. Some people get together at uni and they stay together, but some people have really awful breakups, and then they have to see each other FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER. Remember, seeing someone naked is a game-changer; you don’t want to be stuck in class (or worse- in a group assignment) with someone who has seen you in all manner of awkward and unflattering positions.

Date outside of your faculty.

Whether you’re looking for a quick hook up or for a long-term relationship, you might be wise to check out the other faculties on campus. It may seem exciting at first to share all the trials of being a 19-year-old IT student with someone who gets it, but it could go awry (see above). If you insist on being with your IT spirit animal ladyfriend, can I suggest looking to the older years? Your second or fourth year piece of man-or-woman-candy is likely to never share a lecture with you. But don’t despair; it’s likely your spotty awkward peers will blossom into dashing young men by third year. Put them in your spank bank and keep an eye on them.

Now is the time to be impulsive.

Guys, you’re at your sexual peak. Girls, you’re not, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. University is the time to make rash decisions (just don’t get any type of rash) and improve your technique. That means that yes, you should hook up with the cutie with the French accent at the bar, and yes, you could sleep with him/her if you so desire. You should feel free to experiment and date all kinds of people: the sporty ones, the rebellious ones, the clever ones, and even dare I say it, the handsome ones.

Not the drunk person…

I shouldn’t have to teach you about consent. It’s likely that you’ll be drinking far too much at uni parties and you might try and take someone home. Don’t take advantage of them. I repeat, DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM. If you do, you’ll be transformed into a giant d-bag in the morning and be liable for all sorts of things. Even if it’s a case of you sleeping with a well-known friend, just a reminder: many great friendships have been ruined by late night drunken hook ups.

If they’ve moved out of home, pounce.

Seriously. I don’t think you understand how great it is to be with someone who doesn’t live with their parents. No more awkwardly quiet or just generally awkward teen sex for you. No more fear that mum and dad will come home and no more complex scheduling to destroy any chance of spontaneity. Oh no. You can fuck in the kitchen or the bathroom or the living room at any time (so long as their roomies aren’t around). It’s the best. I’d rate it 5 orgasms out of 5.

Don’t be gross.

Please don’t finger anyone on a UTS couch.I don’t care if you’re at Markets or Broadway or in The Loft. Don’t do it. People can see you. Also refrain from frenzied kissing in public areas. Some single and not-so-single people find it gross, especially if you’re in the food court and you’ve been eating a kebab and she’s been eating sushi. They don’t mix well and I’m just looking out for you.

Find a closet.

I don’t think you understand; UTS has a lot of closets. And empty tutor rooms. And disabled bathrooms (although these should never be your first choice). Essentially if you go looking for a room around a quarter past love o’clock and you find an empty room, the chances are it will stay empty. Congratulations, you now have 45 minutes of nasty time. You have options here, boys and girls, so keep your eyes peeled and leave no bone (sorry, stone) unturned.

P.S. no matter what, always, always, always, use contraception.