USyd to Build Wall to Keep Out Fleeing UTS Students

Tristan White

The University of Sydney has gone into emergency lockdown after the campus was suddenly swamped with students from the University of Technology, Sydney. The students were allegedly fleeing for their lives from their campus, five hundred metres down the road.

This coincidentally occurred at the same time as the UTS Board’s announcement that it would be introducing a new academic calendar of ten sessions per year.

Choosing to remain anonymous, a shaken USyd student informed Vertigo that it had been just a normal day of classes, until “suddenly the doors of the lecture theatre burst open. Dozens of UTS students tried to cram into the few remaining seats. Our lecture had to be dismissed early because of the hubbub. Later, dining on wine and cheese in the packed quadrangle outside, we found out that similar things had occurred in other classrooms.”

Realising leadership steps had to be taken at this critical time, a spokesperson for the USyd Vice Chancellor reported that it would need to build some form of barrier to protect existing students and buildings from a stampede of more UTS students.

“The University of Sydney will build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than we do, believe me,” the spokesperson proclaimed. “We have all the best architecture students, and all the best civil engineers. Mark my words, we will make UTS pay for that wall!”

After receiving questions about the ethics of the scheme, a representative from the USyd Council explained, “We’re afraid that having come from an institution where there are no tutorials, shorter exams, and subjects worth of content crammed into 11 weeks, UTS students will struggle to adapt with the increased amount of teaching time.”

He also cited the language barrier as a challenge, “Many of them don’t even know what the word ‘semester’ means.”

USyd Security have been patrolling the campus and removing any persons who cannot produce a valid USyd ID Card. New regulations require any hopeful USyd student to apply for a Visa, which they can expect a wait “around 28 working days” for delivery.

The unit did not affirm or deny rumours that they had held private meetings with renowned security expert, Immigration Minister Peter Dutton, about possible locations to detain these UTS students as they wait to be granted admission to the University of Sydney.

A representative from the UTS Students’ Association commented they had not yet determined the cause of this mass exodus of students, but were working hard to get to the bottom of it.

“We’ve had an emergency meeting to try to work out what has triggered this large number of student departures. In the meantime, we’re collecting signatures for another petition that UTS will probably ignore. Again.”

A spokesperson from the UTS Academic Board said that they were “disappointed” that this incident had to happen right when the University had made a very positive announcement that it would have ten two-week sessions per year. “The Board has put a huge amount of time into meeting with student groups and discussing how we can ensure the best learning conditions for all students.”

The University of New South Wales is taking “progressive steps” to prepare for an inevitable influx of UTS students looking for another refuge, it was revealed. However, a leaked set of documents implied that they would not be likely to begin arriving for “several weeks” as getting to the campus required a “short bus ride from the Sydney CBD to Kensington.”

Reporters suggested that desperate students may try to get to UNSW via other means, such as driving an unregistered vehicle — or even, daringly, riding a bicycle without a helmet or working bell. The spokesperson explained this had also been considered. “We have a policy that all new arrivals will only be considered at our institution if they arrive through legal means.”

He affirmed that they had “a great amount of trust” that the NSW Police Force would turn back all illegals before they reached the UNSW gates.

Other institutions around NSW such as Western Sydney University, Macquarie University, and Australian Catholic University, have been given a “Watch and Act” alert from Universities Australia. More information will be given as it is made available.

The UTS Board had planned to have another meeting today as they continue their quest to find the root of the incident. It was however realised that the main tower building, where they were to convene, had disappeared overnight, presumably to be used for the wall.