Words by Seymour Taxes

After recently being made aware of Gina Rinehart’s $20 billion net worth, Prime Minister Tony Abbott and Treasurer Joe Hockey have devised a unique fix for Australia’s ‘budget crisis’. Upon learning of Mrs Rinehart’s value, Abbott proposed an idea, “If all of her is worth $20 billion, what would a pound be worth?”

Investors around the world jumped at the Shakespearean opportunity to invest in Mrs Rinehart herself, quickly driving up her net worth and creating huge profits for the principal owners of Rinehart, the Australian Government. Mr Abbott commented that the best thing about Rinehart flesh is that it’s a renewable resource, stating, “She’s a remarkably resilient woman.” The discovery was a welcome surprise to Mr Hockey who has recently been coming up with all kinds of zany solutions to return Australia to surplus.

Competition over Rinehart flesh has driven her value far beyond what anyone could have imagined. “On one side you’ve got activists, the political left, and Greenpeace all demanding at least a pound of [Rinehart’s] flesh. On the other you’ve got rumours that Rupert Murdoch is trying to buy as much as he can to increase his stake in Rinehart herself. In doing so he hopes to drive up demand for Rinehart flesh and thus push up her net worth, turning this profit towards his News Corp empire, and reinvesting subsequent profits back into Rinehart in a perpetual money-making cycle.” explained a financial analyst.

Environmentalists worldwide have both decried Murdoch’s lack of respect for basic human rights, and praised his ingenuity in turning Rinehart into a seemingly infinite renewable resource of money. “We may not like the people involved, but to turn Mrs Rinehart into the antithesis of herself and everything she stands for is such a remarkable feat of sustainability that all we can is stand back and applaud.”