It is the most treacherous of situations. It affects both young and old. A terrifying rite of passage our society inflicts upon us. It’s the first date.

Whether it’s a blind date, a Tinder date or a “Surprise! It’s a date” terrifying cultural rituals lie before you. From the timing to the location, to how to end the evening (nudge nudge wink wink), we present to you a ‘how to’ for your first one-on-one interaction with your potential life partner.

The first challenge presents itself before the date begins. You agree to meet at 7pm, but what time do you actually arrive?

• Too early seems overly eager. As you sit there, half an hour early, we invite you to reflect on your mistakes. You now have at least 30 minutes to scroll through the same Facebook feed, look up at the door whenever it opens, and overthink every word they ever spoke.
• Arriving too late sets a bad tone for the potential relationship. No excuse, be it a late-running train, a Google Maps failure, or even a dying grandmother, can save the relationship from this poor start.
• Arriving at 7 pm on the dot seems the answer – but if you’re anything like me, your anxiety will still be in overdrive.

The first conversation

You’ve never met one-on-one before. Or never met, period.

• Specimen A regales you with their life story, and you can’t get a word in edgewise. Make a convenient bathroom run, and phone a friend before the night’s a total bust.
• Specimen B has nothing to say. You sit opposite one another rearranging the table decorations and avoiding eye contact. You’re back home at 8:30 pm, just in time to watch Married At First Sight. You definitely dodged a bullet there.
• With Specimen C, conversation flows and the night flies. Unfortunately, you hit it off so well you become platonic best friends.

The location

The date can succeed or fail, depending on its location.

‘Dinner and a movie’

Dinner offers a number of pitfalls, primarily at its end.

• The waiter places the bill on the table. A Mexican stand-off commences between you, your date, and the unsuspecting slip of paper. A guitar chord strums. No one breathes for a long second. No one blinks. The bill remains.
• For ladies, do you take the modern ‘feminist’ approach, and pay your way? Or do you insist chivalry isn’t dead? Put up a token struggle, but give in when you glance at your bank account balance. Of course, there’s the awkward moment when your partner unblinkingly hands the full bill your way. They fix you with an accusing stare.

It’s movie time, and your choice of the movie could make or break the evening. Choose wisely.

• You both sit there on tenterhooks, waiting for the other to make the first move. Their arm is strategically placed on the armrest. It would be so easy just to take their hand…their every twitch sends you into spasms of hyperactivity. You don’t even remember the movie afterwards.
• If you are a film buff, your date had better not speak, eat or breathe loudly. If the latest indie arthouse drama is not for them, they can get lost. And if they leave before the end credits scene, let them go. The relationship would never have gone anywhere with such a movie amateur.

The Sporty Date

The ice rink’s danger is deceptive, for a broken ankle from a clumsy fall is the least of your worries.

• The worst case scenario is slamming into their professional ice skater ex with all the grace of a baby elephant. There is a definite possibility their ex could go Tonya Harding on your kneecaps if you make a move.
• Ice skating is also a classic friendzone activity. One party is under the impression they are receiving two hours of illicit cuddles and touches. In reality, the handrails get more attention, or they show off their ice skating chops and leave you in the icy dust.

The Bar, aka That Moment You Will Regret

For the end of the date, visiting a bar for a quiet drink is always a popular destination. Here you will be able to observe your date’s drinking activities.

• The Heavyweight only ever has ice in the glass. They sculled it before you sat down.
• The Slow Drinker’s glass is fuller two hours in than when it was ordered.
• The Speed Drunk seems more interested in getting the bartender’s attention than your own.
• The Calculator knows precisely how many drinks they can and will have. They will also undoubtedly remember that one drink you owed them from last month.

Parting Ways

You’ve done it. You’ve made it through the evening. You’re exhausted, your facial muscles are twitching from keeping a perpetual delighted smile on your face, and you feel vaguely ill after the ancient whisky they made you try.

• For some, the hug will suffice. You are saying “welcome to the friend zone!” in the clearest way possible.
• For others, a hopeful hover of the face right near their cheek might inspire romantic attention.

Now comes the final moment. The most important of all. Do you invite your date in to continue the evening, or firmly close the door, while inventing a story about a:

• Rabid dog.
• A slimy roommate.
• A sudden but deadly illness accompanied by a few hacking coughs.
• Ladies, a quick suggestion – telling them Aunty Flo has arrived should send them running with no further issues.

Remember there is always another option to avoid the stress — remain celibate, and single. Cats will never fail you.

The post Dating on the Edge: Perils of the First Date appeared first on VERTIGO 2020.

The Loner

He’s a single male wearing mid-wash jeans, joggers, and a full backpack. He’s got stickers on every available surface and a wild look in his eyes. You spot him coming from a mile away, working his way through every stall. He must be running low on $5 notes but here he comes anyway, his fingers ready to fill out your Google Form. You’ll see him two more times – once at your opening event, knocking back brown liquor, and once in your final year, when he’s inexplicably the president of a society you’ve never heard of.

The Freebie Fiend

You spot them breezing past you in line for one of the UTSSA swag bags. They’re carving out a wide berth on either side of them because their arms are laden down with bags – my God, is that a USyd tote? There’s a popcorn in one hand, a snow cone in a another, a cup of ice-cream in the crook of one elbow and about six lanyards around their neck. You’ll last see them chucking all the informative bits of paper from their different tote bags in the bin at the end of the day and making off with seven chargers and twelve KeepCups.

Private School Squad

Boat shoes. Tight jeans. Crisp haircuts. A look on their face that suggests this is the first time they’ve seen so many non-white and non-cis-het people in one place. They travel in packs and they’re debating whether or not to join the Young Libs. They’ll sign up to a couple of political and economic societies and will lobby hard to be secretary in second year despite never contributing anything because it’ll look good for their application to the KPMG internship. Interestingly, they’re all carrying Respect Now Always merch.

The Really Mature Age Student

Oh, this one makes your heart hurt. You want so badly for them to have a good time, but they’ve never even heard of a Google Form and you apparently remind them of their grandchildren. Your good will towards them will be extinguished as soon as you see them raise their hand in a lecture.

The Glamour Puss

Why is she in heels? I mean, good for her, but this is a lot of look for 1pm in the Tower Building. Impossible to tell what they’ll sign up for, what degree they’re doing, or even how old they are. Who are you? And how can I be you?

Grizzled Veteran

They’re only on the society stall in the afternoon so they can exchange their lanyard for a drink ticket. Their mouth says “Come join, it’s such a fun time,” but their eyes say “Run away as fast as you can”. You can tell how many years their society participation has added to their degree by the size of the bags under their eyes.

The post The Six People You Meet at O’Day appeared first on VERTIGO 2020.

Content Warning: Blood/Gore, Satanism

As the video announcing the birth of Kylie Jenner’s baby daughter hit the internet, a burst of flame and the scent of sulphur and lilies entered Kris Jenner’s office.

Jenner, 62 in human years, stood up from her suspiciously bone-white desk and inspected the gorgeous bouquet that had materialised in a pool of pig’s blood on the carpet.

A source close to the star revealed what was in the card attached: “It said ‘To my most loyal servant, Congratulations on the new source of income, together you and I will rule the ruins of this earth very soon, Love B. Eelzebub.’ So sweet!”

Jenner was reportedly delighted at the arrangement of pink and white lilies, goat horns, and the sounds of the future hellish screams of everyone who’s ever wronged her. Cute!

Our source says the Lord of the Flies has also sent the prominent momager similar gifts for the birth of her other grandchildren.

“For North’s birth, Satan sent her a beautiful mug made from a skull that had ‘World’s Best Grandma’ on one side and ‘Underworld’s Best Grandmaster of Contourture’ on the other. Contourture is when they use a blending brush to physically carve out your cheekbones. Like out of your face.” Wow! Sounds like another Kardashian trend we’re keen to try this year!

Jenner didn’t respond to requests for comment for this story, but Lucifer’s office sent us a piece of skin branded with this message: “Kris and I go way back, so of course I always try to send her a congratulatory bouquet whenever she brings a new money maker into the world to increase her enormous fortune and social influence. We’re both looking forward to collapsing on something in 2018. I’m not saying we’re gonna re-do Sodom and Gomorrah, but it’s not, not that. Everyone loves a reboot!”

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